I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
