Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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