you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
