someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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