So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
