i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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