The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
