Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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