jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I think my vagina is haunted
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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