i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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