It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Be still, my beating vagina.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
