I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i love accidental penises.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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