i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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