getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
