I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
