I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
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