Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
