Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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