omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
