I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize
