I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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