My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
