wanna go halves on a baby?
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Randomize
