Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
