Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
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