Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
