You're my little dorito
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
