It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
