Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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