So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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