the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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