just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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