did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
