I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize