she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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