Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Randomize
