I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
