I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
there was a trapeze. enough said
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
