I faked an abortion last night.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
