Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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