Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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