im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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