The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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