sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Everyone says I win the strip club
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
