I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
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