Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Randomize
