If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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