Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
