Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
