i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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