i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Randomize
