If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
