Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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