Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
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