I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
