I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Randomize
