I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
