Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
