How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
