i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
