can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
