shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
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