Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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