I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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