if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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