Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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