you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
