mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
love makes seman taste better
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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